Ah My Martha Stewart
by Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory
Summary: Kenshin and Saito have become prophets of the goddess known as Martha Stewart. They must stop Aoshi, who has been corrupted by Justin Timberlake, from him spreading the evil ways of pop music.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Ah My Martha Stewart!

Author: Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory

Rating: R

Category: Humor

Show: Rurouni Kenshin

Summary: The goddess Martha Stewart has made herself known. She has now spoken through her prophets Kenshin and Saito of the wonders of her heavenly paradise, Linens and Things. Now, the devil, Justin Timberlake, has spoken to his own prophet, Aoshi, deceiving him and trying to lead him into the fiery obis known as Pop Land. It is up to Kenshin and Saito to save Aoshi's soul from the corruption of Bubblegum music and have him see the light and joy of cooking, sewing, and other household chores, while also trying to convert the pagans Sano, Yahiko, and… for the love of cheese… the rest of the RK cast.

Disclaimer: Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory owns nothing!

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Ch. 1 

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*Behind scenes*

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Kenshin: Crap! There's gonna be more than one?!

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Aoshi: I've got an update on how many chapters there are going to be, total.

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Sano: Please say two, please say two! No, wait, 1 and ¼!!

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Aoshi: There are going to be *drum roll* 132 chapters.

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Cast: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

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Saito: Let me see that script… You stupid jack ass! 132 is amazingly short serial number.

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Aoshi: Oh… *looks around* Stop looking at me!!!

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Sano: Good thing the author normally keeps the stories short.

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Sojiro: The last fic wasn't short!! The author made me a horse in it, too!

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Kenshin: Don't worry about it Sojiro. Figure it this way, unlike Shishio, you didn't have to play the role of a tea cup.

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Sojiro: That's true…

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Aoshi: Right. Let's just get this over with.

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The fic:

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Kenshin: Hello, I am Himura, Kenshin. I am now going to tell you about what happened a long time ago, a story filled with mystery, adventure, romance, and… know what? This script is a bunch of bull shit! *tears up script* Yah, anyway, we're gonna go back a few years and tell all of you about what happened when the goddess, known as Martha Stewart, gave me and Saito bunches of directions of how to preach the truths of cooking, cleaning, sewing, ect. 

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Yahiko: *off set* Psst… Kenshin, shouldn't you sound a bit… happier?

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Kenshin: Do you remember what she made me do?!!

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Yahiko: Um… yah… that was quite unfortunate, but still…

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Kenshin: She had me go and-

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Yahiko: Shut up! Don't spoil it!

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Kenshin: Urgh… let's get to the flash back already!

*flash back*

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Kenshin: Saito, I do not wish to fight you on this splendid looking mountain top, that I don't. 

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Saito: I don't care where we are, I will kill you no matter what!

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Voice: Stop rough housing!

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Saito: What was that voice?

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Kenshin: I don't know, that I don't.

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Voice: Listen to me. You are the chosen ones. The prophets whom are to evangelize and spread to the peoples of all nations my words.

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Kenshin: Are you… God?!

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Voice: … well… no… but you should do as I say all the same!

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Saito: If you are not God then… who are you?

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Voice: I am the goddess known as Martha Stewart!!! You have all been plagued my the evils of Pop music! You must be turned to the light! Teach others of laundry and cooking! Spread my words and magazines to all of the peoples of every-

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Saito: Nation? Yah, we got it. 

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Voice: Yes, go now and do my bidding. But beware of the evil Justin Timberlake who plans to spread the evils of Bubblegum music!

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Kenshin: Yes, Lord Stewart!

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Voice: … It's Martha Stewart you ingrate! And skip the 'Lord' part! I am to be known as Goddess, the most beautiful, her royal highness, your excellence, or something else that sounds snazzy.

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Saito: What ever you say lady. Lady? Huh, she's gone.

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Kenshin: So… we're prophets?

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Saito: Apparently so.

*In Pop Land*

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Justin: So… Martha Stewart has already spoken to her prophets, has she? Well know what? I've got my own fuckin prophet, too! Woman, get me a beer!

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Britney Spears: You, like, drive me crazy! Can't you see that I'm, like, getting a manicure? 

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Justin: Stupid no good bitch. Alright, time to speak with MY chosen one.

*at Zen temple*

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Voice: Aoshi!

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Aoshi: Buddha?!

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Voice: No! You stupid dumb ass! I'm the devil!

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Aoshi: Buddha is the devil?

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Voice: NO!!! I am NOT Buddha! I AM the devil!

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Aoshi: Oh… okay.

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Voice: I have chosen you to be my prophety thing. You are to go and spread to all the people in the world that pop is the one true music.

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Aoshi: Devil's so vague. Can't you be more specific?

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Voice: Guagh!! I'm Justin Timberlake, okay! Do as I tell you other wise I'll condemn you to a land filled with weather forecasters!

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Aoshi: And what do I get if I do what you command?

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Voice: I will show you the trueness of pop!

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Aoshi: But I don't like pop.

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Voice: … I'll get Britney to give you a lap dance.

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Aoshi: Christina Agulara, too?

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Voice: Sure.

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Aoshi: Okay!

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Voice: You, my friend, are at your first stages of Pop corruptness.

*at Kamiya dojo*

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Kaoru: *bawling* Kenshin's gone missing again! KENSHIN!!!

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Sano: Um… He just went out for tofu.

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Yahiko: Kaoru's being a whiny bitch again.

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Kaoru: You couldn't possibly know how I feel!

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Sano: Ah no. Not this speech again.

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Kenshin: I'm back!

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Kaoru: Kenshin! You're okay and… Saito's with you…

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Saito: I am simply here with the batousai in order to complete my mission.

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Kenshin: Saito is here to teach you how to cook, that he is.

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Kaoru: Oh my! You're bleeding Kenshin!

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Kenshin: Yah… it's nothing. I'm going to go take a bath now… Saito… please carry me to the bathing room.

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Saito: Huh? Oh yah. *carries Kenshin to the tub*

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Sano: Ya know, taking a bath sounds like a good idea!

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Yahiko: Yep. I think I'll go join Kenshin, too.

*Sano and Yahiko leave to take bath* 

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Yahiko: Hey Kenshin! We're going to join you. Where'd Saito go?

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Kenshin: He left to go help Miss Kaoru with cooking.

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Sano: Yah, well that's sure nice of AAAAHHHHH!!!!

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Yahiko: What's wrong with you SanAAAAHHH!!!!

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Kenshin: Is something wrong?

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Sano: Kenshin! You're dick! It's-it's-

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Kenshin: Hmm? Oh yah! That! The goddess known as Martha Stewart spoke to me while I was walking back here and told me that she wanted a certain sacrifice so… I chopped my cock off.

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Yahiko: Ah crap! Just looking at you makes me hurt!

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Kenshin: Oh yah, that happened and at first I was in total serious pain, but I got hold of Saito's cigarettes and totally stoned out, then I went and burned my dick as an offering. 

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Sano: Too much information!!!! Don't tell me… Saito did that too?!!

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Kenshin: Nope. He was instructed to go home and kill his wife. Martha Stewart likes her prophets single!

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Sano: Yah… single and VERY circumcised. 

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Kenshin: Um… actually, she said that she wants to try to make me in the image and likeness of woman.

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Yahiko: Doesn't that mean that you'll have to chop off your balls next?

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Kenshin: Yep!

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Sano: I don't want to hear any more! This conversation has made lil' Willy go into a state of shock! *pats crotch* There there, I'll give you plenty of attention soon enough.

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Kenshin: Anyway, I've been told to make you repent from your pagan ways. *gets in water* AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! IT HURTS!!! *jumps out of water*

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Sano: It's still bleeding, too… I think I'm gonna barf.

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Yahiko: I'm gonna leave now.

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Sano: Me too.

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Kenshin: I think I'm gonna go have Miss Megumi treat my wound.

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Yahiko: Poor Miss Megumi.

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Sano: I can imagine her bandaging it now… Oh the mental images! *barfs*

*Sano and Yahiko leave to watch Saito teach Kaoru how to cook*

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Saito: You're an awful cook! You should be ashamed!

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Kaoru: I'm sorry!

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Saito: Repent, I tell you, REPENT!!! I need a cigarette… *takes out cigarette*

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Kaoru: You still haven't tried my main dish! It's cooked to absolute perfection, I guarantee it!

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Saito: Then why don't you try it yourself?

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Kaoru: I will! *eats it and dies of food poisoning*

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Saito: Well, one less problem in this far from perfect world.

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Sano: You killed her! Now what are we gonna eat?!

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Yahiko: First, we see Kenshin with his manhood gone, and now this.

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Saito: Okay, don't even START with Kenshin! I understand looking at him in his current condition is bad enough, but you didn't have to watch it happen!

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Sano: The images are flooding in again! *barfs*

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Saito: That was disgusting… You're barf probably would taste better than Kamiya's cooking, but it's gross none the less.

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Sano: What kind of person is this Martha Stewart woman?!

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Saito: She is… THE GODDESS!!!

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*behind scenes*

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Aoshi: Ha! I got practically no lines!

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Sano: Oh yah? Wait till the next chapter. You're singing!

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Aoshi: … Don't remind me.

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Kenshin: Maybe the reviewers will have pity on us and tell the author it was awful.

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Saito: That would be nice, but, sadly, the world has become a disgusting place.

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Kenshin: Stupid fic… now I don't know how to pee.

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Yahiko: This is cruelty!

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Aoshi: I don't want to sing.

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Sano: Stop thinking about yourself dammit!

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Aoshi: But I don't…

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Kenshin: Anyway… lets go to lunch, okay?

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Sano: Food!

*cast goes to lunch*

Yep! Worst fic I've ever written! I probably just won't continue this… unless you liked it… I find that highly unlikely though.


	2. There was

#Title: Ah My Martha Stewart

Author: Mr. Miagis Banana Factory

Rating: R

Summary: Refer to Ch. 1

Disclaimer: Mr. Miagis Banana Factory owns nothing.

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Chapter 2

*behind scenes*

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Sano: Dammit! Miagi's writing another chapter!

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Kenshin: Maybe this will be the last one.

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Yahiko: *praying* Please be the last one!

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Saito: You know, this might just be the second of many chapters.

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Aoshi: Thank you so much for boosting our confidence…

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Saito: Don't mention it.

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Sano: Might as well get it over with.

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Aoshi: NO!!! I don't want to sing!!

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Kenshin: Well I didn't exactly want my dick cut off and burned as a sacrifice, but it happened!

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Aoshi: Oh that was smart! *acting like Kenshin* Yah, heya Martha! What was that? You want me to chop my thinger off? Okay! It sounds like fun! Now then, would like that burned up with the strawberry or grapefruit scented incense? 

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Kenshin: Okay. SHUT UP!

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Saito: He is offened because you got it all wrong. He used the Cucumber Melon incense!

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Sano: Oh the images! THE IMAGES!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!

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Kenshin: Let's just start now. I want to see how our new BSB recruit does. *smiles maliciously*

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Aoshi: I DON'T WANT TO WORK FOR THE BULL SHIT BOYS!!!

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Saito: This might just turn out to be interesting…

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*the fic*

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Sano: So there's some goddess named Martha Stewart who wants to change Kenshin into a woman…

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Saito: Yah, her, Hillary Clinton, a bunch of RK fan boys, and Bill Gates.

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Yahiko: I will never convert to Martha Stewartism!

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Saito: Oh yes you will, pagan! I will make sure of it for it is the will of the goddess Martha Stewart!

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Sano: Sorry, but I only believe in one god, and that god is Harry Potter!

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Yahiko: Yah! Me too!

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Megumi: *from her house* AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

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Saito: She must have just seen Kenshin's manliness… or lack there of…

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Aoshi: *walks inside dojo* I am finally here!

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Sano: Aoshi? What are you doing here?

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Aoshi: I am the prophet of the one known as Justin Timberlake. I'm here to plague you with the evils of Pop Music!

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Saito, Sano, and Yahiko: *gasp*

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Saito: You are what stands against the goddess Martha Stewart and the bringing of her people to eternal happiness of Linens and Things!

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Aoshi: Yes, I am. Justin has instructed me to destroy Martha's prophets and spread the one true music that is Pop!

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Saito: I shall stop you! *takes out sword*

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Aoshi: I don't think so! *takes out microphone and starts singing* Your all I ever wanted, all I ever needed, so tell me what to do now when I want you back!

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Saito: *drops sword and falls to knees* I can't take it! That music… senses dying down… sight fading… can't go on…

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Yahiko: *in trance* Pop music is the way to go…

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Sano: Yahiko! Don't give in! Be strong! YAHIKO!!!

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Yahiko: I can't help it… it's drawing me in…

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Kenshin: *runs in and jumps on Aoshi*

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Aoshi: Dammit! You messed up my song!

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Kenshin: Sano! Take Yahiko and run!

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Sano: You got back here fast.

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Kenshin: Yah. Miss Megumi did a quick job and then rushed for the bushes. She said something about a queasy stomach. 

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Sano: ………… Okay then………… *takes Yahiko and runs*

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Aoshi: Kenshin! Now you will suffer the consequences! *singing* You drive me crazy, I just can't sleep. I'm so excited, I'm in too deep! Oh crazy! But it feels alright! Everything about you keeps me up all night!

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Kenshin: It's horrid! I can't stand the awfulness! I… just… can't… *faints*

*Kenshin wakes up chained to a wall in creepy dungeon type place*

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Kenshin: Ugh…where am I?

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Aoshi: You are in another dimension. You have crossed over to… Pop Land!

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Kenshin: Martha Stewart! Why have you forsaken me?!

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Aoshi: Because she's busy making far from legal deals with other countries on her merchandising.

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Kenshin: This sucks… wait… where are my clothes?

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Aoshi: We had to get rid of them while we were giving your body… modifications…

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Kenshin: I feel so nude…

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Aoshi: That might just be due to the fact that you are.

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Kenshin: Oh… I just realized something… I've got a dick again… it looks kinda, funny though…

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Aoshi: That's because it's plastic. It's detachable, too.

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Kenshin: Detachable?

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Aoshi: Yep. You've now got a detachable penis!

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Kenshin: Ah great… Now I sound like I'm a lesbian.

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Aoshi: Uh huh. Anyway, some new clothes should be on their way down. 

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Kenshin: They're pop clothes, aren't they?

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Aoshi: Yep. You and Christina Agulara wear the same size in clothes so you get an older pair of hers.

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Kenshin: You're gonna dress me up like a girl?!

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Aoshi: A girl slut, to be exact.

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Kenshin: Can't I just wear something of Lance Bass' or Nick Carter's?

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Aoshi: Well… you could, but that would be no fun.

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Kenshin: Bite me!

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Aoshi: Bite what? There's nothing there.

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Kenshin: Shut up!

*an hour later, Kenshin and Aoshi are walking down a hallway*

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Kenshin: Eek! These short keep on riding up my ass!

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Aoshi: They're supposed to.

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Kenshin: Dammit! I hate phanny floss!

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Aoshi: Pop idols wear it all the time.

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Kenshin: Please don't tell me that. What's up with these hooker boots, though? You'd think I was a ho or something!

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Aoshi: Stop complaining. We are now about to go to meet his Excellency, Justin Timberlake.

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Kenshin: Crap.

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Aoshi: *opens door*

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Justin: Ah, so you have brought one of Martha Stewarts prophets with you Aoshi. Excellent.

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Kenshin: Justin Timberlake!

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Justin: You sound so angry. Don't you know that there are over a million fan girls who would die to be in your shoes?

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Kenshin: Suck it!

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Aoshi: You do realize that using phrases like that just make you sound stupid considering your… condition.

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Kenshin: Leave me alone.

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Justin: Kenshin, I am willing to give you the chance of a lifetime. Bow to me and you can then become one of Aoshi's whores.

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Aoshi: *sweat drop*

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Kenshin: *looks Aoshi up and down* Tempting but…. NO! I WON'T GIVE IN TO YOU, SATAN!

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Justin: My name's Justin. Satan's my janitor down the hall.

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Kenshin: Oh, close enough!

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Justin: You refuse my offer, and then you mock me. I believe that it's time that you were punished. Aoshi. Take him to 'The Room.'

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Aoshi: D- do I have to?

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Justin: Don't argue with me otherwise you sill share in his fate.

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Aoshi: Yes Lord…. Devil.. Erm… yah. *starts to lead Kenshin away*

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*behind scenes*

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Kenshin: That was horrid.

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Aoshi: It gets much worse next chapter.

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Sano: There's gonna be a next chapter?! NNNOOOOO!!!

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Saito: You shouldn't be one to complain. It's not like you're being tortured.

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Sano: Still… This whole plot is horrid!

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Kenshin: I keep on being sexually abused!

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Aoshi: Detachable penis!

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Kenshin: Stop it.

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Aoshi: DETACHABLE!

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Kenshin: Stop it!

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Aoshi: PENIS!

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Kenshin: STOP IT!

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Yahiko: This is disturbing me.

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Saito: I'm gonna go for a coffee break.

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Sano: I'll go with you.

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Yahiko: Me too.

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Aoshi: I think I'm gonna lock myself in the John.

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Kenshin: You know… that's probably the safest place to go.

*They all then went their own ways hoping to escape their fates that are inevitable*


End file.
